The stories we tell ourselves

Do you ever feel like you’re living on autopilot, repeating patterns of self-doubt, anxiety, or frustration? Maybe it feels like the same challenges keep cropping up, no matter how hard you try to move forward. You know that feeling when we hold our heads up and ask ‘Anything else?’ Thats based on the stories we tell ourselves.

These patterns often stem from the stories we tell ourselves, stories created from past experiences and, sometimes, traumas that we carry with us.

The stories we create from our past have a powerful hold over us, shaping how we see ourselves, how we interact with others, and the decisions we make. 

Until we consciously rewrite these stories, they will continue to live within us, influencing our lives in ways we may not even realise.

So let’s explore how the stories we tell ourselves are formed, how they impact us, and, most importantly, how we can stop replaying old narratives and start telling a story that empowers us.

As humans, we’re wired to make sense of the world through stories. From a young age, we start interpreting events and assigning meaning to them. These interpretations are shaped by the environments we grow up in, the people around us, and the experiences we have.

For instance, if a child grows up in a household where their efforts are constantly criticised, they might create a story that says, “I’m never good enough.” Similarly, someone who experiences neglect may tell themselves, “I don’t deserve love or attention.”

These narratives aren’t facts; they’re perceptions based on our past experiences. Yet, they feel real because they become ingrained in our subconscious minds, shaping our thoughts, behaviours, and emotions.

Trauma, whether it’s big or small, has a way of embedding itself deeply within us. When we experience something painful, our minds try to protect us by creating stories to make sense of what happened.

For example, if you were betrayed by someone you trusted, your story might become, “People can’t be trusted.” If you felt invisible as a child, your story might be, “I’m not important.”

These stories serve as survival mechanisms in the moment, helping us cope with difficult situations. But the problem arises when we carry these narratives into the present, allowing them to dictate our self-worth, relationships, and opportunities.

The stories we tell ourselves don’t just stay in our heads—they manifest in our actions, decisions, and emotions. Here are some of the ways they influence us:

1. Self-Perception
   The way we talk to ourselves becomes the lens through which we see our identity. If your story is, “I’m not smart enough,” you’ll struggle to believe in your ability to achieve your goals. I believed for many years that I wasn’t good enough (because I was rarely praised as a child however hard I tried to please). My inner narrative before I did anything was you have to try really hard because remember you’re not good enough. 
2. Relationships
   Stories like, “I’m unlovable,” or “People always leave,” can lead to self-sabotaging behaviours in relationships, pushing others away or clinging too tightly out of fear. My husband, bless him, put up with such a lot of ‘pushing away’ because I absolutely believed he would leave when he found out I wasn’t good enough. 
3. Opportunities
   A story of “I’m not capable” can hold you back from taking risks or pursuing your dreams, keeping you stuck in a comfort zone that’s anything but truly comfortable. Whenever something went wrong in my life I would retreat backwards and look to do really simple tasks thinking it was the safe place to be 

Emotional Patterns
Old stories often trigger emotional responses. So my narrative was, “I have to be perfect to be accepted,” and any mistake  lead to overwhelming shame and anxiety.

If these stories cause us so much pain, why do we keep telling them?

The answer lies in the brain. Our minds are wired to seek familiarity, even if it’s not healthy, because it’s the easiest way for it to function and keep you safe, it’s prime task. The stories we’ve told ourselves for years feel safe because they’re known, and our brains resist change because change feels risky.Our brains job is to keep us safe right?

Another reason we hold onto old stories is that they’ve become part of our identity. Letting go of them can feel like losing a piece of ourselves, even if that piece is holding us back. This is the biggest issue I face when coaching around old traumatic stories - letting them go doesn't feel safe. So we work slowly and bit by bit that way your system doesn't go into shock and here's what we look at 

1. What is the story you tell yourself?

The first step to changing your inner dialogue is to become aware of it. Ask yourself:

• What are the stories I tell myself about who I am?
• Where did these stories come from?
• Are they true, or are they based on past experiences that no longer define me?

Journaling can be a powerful tool here. Write down your recurring thoughts and explore where they came from.  If you struggle especially with the first point think about what you tell new people you meet about your life’s story. 

2. Challenge the Narrative

Once you’ve identified a story, challenge its validity. For example:

• If your story is, “I’m not good enough,” ask yourself: “What evidence do I have to support this?” Chances are, you’ll find that this belief is rooted in old experiences, not current reality so what is the truth now?

3. Rewrite the Story

Replace disempowering stories with ones that uplift you. For instance:

• Old story: “I always mess things up.”
• New story: “I’m learning and growing with every experience.”

Write your new story down and repeat it to yourself daily, like an affirmation.

4. Practice Self-Compassion

Changing your narrative takes time and patience. Be kind to yourself as you navigate this process. Remember, it’s okay to slip back into old patterns, it’s part of the journey.

5. Surround Yourself with Support

The people around you can influence your self-talk. Spend time with those who uplift and encourage you, and seek guidance from someone like myself if you need help uncovering and rewriting deep-seated narratives.

The story that I used to tell myself was that I wasn’t good enough. The story that I told myself controlled everything, from the jobs I pursued to the relationships I stayed in. It wasn’t until I stopped to question that story that I realised it was built on outdated beliefs from my past.

When I rewrote my story to say, “I am capable and deserving,” my entire life shifted. I found out what my values were, started setting boundaries, pursuing my passions, and believing in my worth. So I knkow its a perfectly possible journey to take- if you want to, and thats key to this. Ask yourself do I want to change my story?

The stories we tell ourselves create who we are, but they don’t have to define who we become. By recognising and rewriting old narratives, you can break free from the chains of your past and step into a future filled with possibility, confidence, and self-belief.

So, what story will you tell yourself today? Will it be one of doubt and limitation, or one of growth and empowerment? The choice is yours,and your new story is waiting to be written.

Need some at support with your negative story telling? Click the button below to book your free session with me.