After Diagnosis I Started To Understand Myself Differently

In my last blog I shared what it was like going through the diagnosis process. I talked about how overwhelmed I felt, how convinced I was that I would be told I was making it all up and the relief I felt when I was told I had ADHD. What I hadn’t expected was how much life after ADHD diagnosis would change the way I understood myself and my past.

I was also advised to apply for an autism assessment because there were clear signs that I was autistic too. That was a lot to take in. At first I felt relief. Then came the grief and the anger.

I think this matters because diagnosis didn’t just give me an answer about what was happening in the present. It changed the way I looked back at my life. It made me think about all the years I hadn’t known and all the years I had tried so hard to understand myself through words that had never really fitted.

I had believed I was difficult, stupid, too much and a bad person because those were the words that had been used about me. When you hear the same things about yourself for long enough you can start to believe they are true, even when they never really made sense.

So when I finally had a different explanation it wasn’t just about ADHD. It was about being able to look back and question whether what I had believed about myself had ever been true.

That took time.

I don’t want to make it sound as if I got diagnosed and everything instantly felt easy because that wasn’t how it happened. There was a lot to process. There was relief but there was also sadness for the person I had been who had tried so hard for so long without understanding why life felt the way it did.

Then there was anger. Anger that so many of the things I had struggled with had been treated as character flaws. Anger that I had spent years believing I was the problem. Anger that I had tried to make myself easier for other people when what I had really needed was understanding.

As the grief started to settle something began to change. My life began to feel easier. Not because everything outside of me changed overnight but because I was no longer trying to explain myself from the same place.

I stopped beginning with the belief that there was something wrong with me. I began with the knowledge that my brain worked differently. That meant I could stop asking what was wrong with me and start looking at what was actually going on.

Around the same time I started learning about the connection between neurodivergence and trauma.

I talk about this because some of the signs and reactions can look very similar. The way your body responds can look very similar. That can make it hard to know what caused what.

For me it wasn’t about trying to separate every single thing into neat boxes. I don’t think life works like that. It was about understanding that some of my reactions made sense through a neurodivergent lens and some made sense through the trauma I had experienced. Some may have been both.

Seeing it this way helped me stop blaming myself.

It also explained why I could recognise myself in so many different conversations. ADHD made sense. Autism made sense. Trauma made sense. Not because they are all the same thing but because they can all affect how safe you feel, how you respond to people and how you see yourself.

This is also why I think it’s important to say that you don’t have to be ADHD or autistic to recognise yourself in some of this. Trauma can create reactions that look very similar. If you have lived through experiences where you didn’t feel safe or where you were made to doubt yourself then your brain and body may have learned to protect you in ways that made sense at the time.

For me understanding neurodivergence helped me create strategies that actually supported my brain. Understanding trauma helped me know where I needed deeper support.

The two didn’t always need the same response. Some things needed practical strategies and some things needed coaching. Some things needed me to stop judging myself so much for reactions that had started as ways to survive.

The biggest change was that I stopped seeing my reactions as proof that I was difficult. I could see that if I panicked, shut down, over explained or needed to get away from people there was usually a reason.

It didn’t mean I always knew the reason straight away. It didn’t mean every reaction was suddenly easy to change. But it meant I could start from understanding instead of judgement.

It also changed how I thought about self belief.

Self belief isn’t just about telling yourself you are good enough because it’s hard to believe that when part of you still thinks you are the problem.

For me self belief had to start with understanding. Understanding why I had reacted in certain ways. Understanding why I had tried so hard to be accepted. Understanding why I had masked. Understanding why being misunderstood had felt so painful.

Once I could see all of this more clearly I could begin to trust myself in a different way. I couldn’t do that by pretending the past didn’t matter or by blaming myself for not knowing sooner. I had to accept that I only knew what I knew at the time. I was trying my hardest with the understanding I had.

Once I knew more I could begin to do things differently.

I could create strategies for the neurodivergent parts of me. I could get coaching and support around the trauma. I could stop expecting myself to respond in ways that didn’t fit my brain or my history.

It didn’t make everything easy but it gave me somewhere to start.

This is what I want people to understand. Awareness is not an excuse. It is information. It helps you see what is happening so you can make different choices. It helps you stop making everything a personal failing and start looking at what support or change is needed.

This is why this series has mattered so much to me.

I know what it feels like to believe you are difficult, stupid or too much. I know what it feels like to try so hard and still feel like you are getting life wrong. I know what it feels like to finally hear something that makes your whole life make more sense.

But I also know that understanding yourself can change everything.

It doesn’t change the past but it can change how you see it. It can help you look back and see that so much of what you believed about yourself came from how other people had treated you and what they had put onto you. It was never proof that you were difficult, stupid or too much.

For me diagnosis was part of learning to understand myself. Learning about trauma was another. Looking at both together helped me see myself more clearly.

If you recognise yourself in any of this you may not yet know whether your reactions come from neurodivergence, trauma or both. You don’t need to have all the answers straight away. You can begin by stopping the automatic blame and asking yourself what might actually be happening.

I wasn’t a bad person. I wasn’t making it all up. I wasn’t too much.

I was neurodivergent. I had experienced trauma. I had spent years trying to survive without the right understanding or support.

Now I can understand myself differently, and now I’m Just Being me and choosing to be that on purpose.